Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Report #4

[03:48:49, 08/5/13]

So we’re here to talk about how the whole hospital bull shit deal went. It was awful. Just putting it out there.

I’d give it a hard five on the scale of shit gone wrong.

Out of what, ten?

Out of the fucks I give. head.

Eloquent as per usual. Okay so basically, what went down was that I got stabbed in the neck with some kind of syringe by the current world’s second biggest ass hole, and a group of his pals nearly cut my eye out.

Nearly as in they waved a knife in front of his face and knicked him.

You know what? Shut up. They scared the shit out me and that definitely counts for a little more injury there. And they cut my eyelid so don’t even go there.

Well consider it a fairly harmless lesson in why we should know the last names of our bosses.

Who... was the guy, anyway?

He wasn’t anyone. Just some shit eating proxy who’s dead as a door nail now.

Yeah, but.... I don’t know. He creeped me the fuck out. I mean I talked to the idiot for about fifteen minutes before he stabbed me. And he spilled coffee on me. Son of a bitch.

Now here’s a daily lesson ladies and gentlemen, when some ass hole spills coffee on you in the middle of your secret hospital infiltration mission, and drags you to a secluded closet where he begins to say things that make you uncomfortable and stir up an instinctual feeling that something is off, the correct response is to knock his teeth out, and then ask questions. Not sit around conversing until he gets the chance to

Oh my god, that was unnecessary. Unlike some people I don’t go around mistrusting everyone and punching people’s teeth out thanks.

And how’s that going for you?

I...... shut up.

Alright, so if you haven’t already guessed, Daniel and I were acquiring equipment from a hospital.


Danny ran into a proxy who doped him up. And I was doing alright until I got caught in a  loop about halfway through the operation. I’m assuming that was probably when the proxy opened it to take you inside.


That was neat. When did you program sighs?

I told you I redid some of it, didn’t I? After... slender baked the last lot of codes. I thought it needed more of those little audio recognition whatever s.

Yeah, but I wandered around in that hell hole for a while. Ran into some freaky ass shit as per usual. None of it stood out really with the exception of this one...thing.


It looked sort of like a person, but it was huge and it had this one yellow eye. Bout scared the shit out of me . Sometimes you see shit and you just don’t mess with it you know?

What was something like that doing... there?

I have a few theories, none of which I feel like discussing when I’m being recorded, and when I’m seeing doubles.

You know that’s not healthy, right? Like... really not healthy.

When did I ever give you the impression I was a healthy individual?

Yeah you’ve got a point. Still though.

Just continue on with the story please.

What have I missed...? That the hospital kind a... died?

Yeah...there was that.

Well, um... we drove off, then drove back, and the place was... rubble.


Yeah... and the people said that it was blown up three days ago.


And... um... that it? That all you wanted to talk about?

Took care of all four proxies. The one that tripped Danny up was a bit of a tough one, but took care of him.

There’s that, I guess. And we got all the supplies...

And by got he means some shit head loaded up our car when we were stuck in limbo.

Well, yeah, but that’s sort of embarrassing, isn’t it?

No. Embarrassing is when your teacher reads your love note to Dewey  Michaels in the third grade, this was baffling.

...Dewey Michaels?

Kid was a fucking dick.

Wow that was irrelevant.

So are your smart ass comments, Danny.

Actually no. My smart ass comments are a lot more relevant as I’m actually commenting on the thing we’re talking about at the time and not some kid I may or may not have had some stupid crush on in third grade. Thanks.

Danny, why would proxies intentionally aid us in our pursuit to kill the thing they call Daddy?

I don’t know, as a trick? A taunt? A kind of look at us we can give you all the things you need and you’ll still fuck up?


You... don’t agree? Then what were you thinking?

...I don’t know what I think. It’s 4 in the morning and I’m drunk.

Point taken.

Let’s just end it here.

Okay. Well, everyone, you know how all this shit went down. Until next time.



  1. What... the...? ...yellow?

    ...Came off better than me, Danny, I actually did lose an eye.

    1. Yep. Yellow. It was weird. Did you see anything like that in your loop.

      Yeah, Danny can be an insensitive jackass sometimes.

  2. Drugged by a proxy, Danny? Join the club!

    Sounds like a crazy loop. Was the iris yellow, or was it the whole eye?

    1. I didn't get a good look. But it was glowing in the dark, the way animals do you know?

  3. Sounds fuckin' nuts. I hate Loops. Never slept comfortably in the Cafe. Hope the equipment is useful.