The Fourth Again

Anna woke me up at the crack of dawn again, and we went out to that seedy joint in Vegas again, and sat out on the roof of Anna's truck with Hot Dogs and beer and watched fire works while listening to Johnny Cash. I'm pretty sure Anna was even wearing the same raggedy Elvis t-shirt she wore the first time we went out there.

It's weird because a year passed, and a lot changed. I'm off drugs, and I don't even mind bathing in a creek, or being hot all the time, or even waking up and finding Anna skinning some sort of venomous snake for breakfast. It doesn't bother me like it used to, and I guess that's just because I got used to it. I feel better than I used to, to. My asthma hasn't been as bad, and I'm getting tougher. Me and Anna can go head to head without me getting my ass royally kicked every single time. I can last longer than five minutes.

Anna's different too. She's not nasty, or invulnerable, she's just rational and focused on surviving. She has things that get to her just like anybody else, I didn't really get that for a long time. I feel like I'm better because of her.

I guess if I were to explain this experience metaphorically, it would be like being dumped into a bucket of scalding hot water, and at first it hurts and you want to get out, but afterwards you get used to it, and its better than what you had. I do think my life is better somehow. Maybe just because I've got someone in my life who cares about me and who I care about. (Platonically you crazy shits.)

We talked a bit about this and that. I badgered her a bit about Beau and how the two of them have made it work, and she dodged answering because Beau is now an off the table topic. And then she asked me something weird.

"Danny, you're not vehemently opposed to my company right?"

I told her I wasn't.

"You know I've killed people right? People I was close to, because they became proxies."

I told her I understood that.

"I wanted to ask you, and I want you to answer seriously, if everything went to hell, and I lost my mind and became one of those masked assholes, and it came down to it, would you be able to put a bullet in my head?"

I'd never flipped the scenario on its head before, because let's be honest folks, from day one you all assumed it would be who went off the deep end. But she asked, and I sort of rightfully freaked out. I asked if she thought she was losing it, because things have been good and that would be the worst goddamn thing. She called me a dipshit, said she was worried if it came down to it I would choke.

I don't know the answer to that question. I don't know if I would choke or not. I think...I think I wouldn't do it, if it were me against her. Anna says staying alive is the number one priority, but I don't know if I'm willing to cross any threshold out there in the name of staying alive. I'm not saving the world anytime soon. It's work enough just trying to save myself. If it came down to it, I think I'd just let her have me.

It's easy to get wrapped up in Anna's world, where everyday is an epic battle against the forces of good and evil and its you alone against them. But stuff isn't always that easy.

It wasn't the answer she wanted, and I think she's upset.

I just think that's the good way to live, and it's how I plan on doing it.

Tonight though, it was nice. A good moment of calm in the storm, where for the first time in what felt like my whole life, my mind felt clear and everything felt clean. I haven't felt clean in ages. We're a good team. We work, and that's good to know.

Happy 4th.