Wednesday, March 27, 2013

An Opening Statement

Let me start by making one thing painfully clear to you. I do not like my job. For all intents and purposes my job is kind of a drag. I don't like some of the things I have to do in order to research this thing. Shocker I know, seeing as how a lot of you sickos get a real kick out of chopping people into tiny bits. But sometimes there are bad situations that only have bad solutions, and if somebody doesn't step up and get their hands dirty than the snowball keeps rolling and bad just goes to worse. 

Now that that's said, let me explain to you who I am.

I am not a runner. Running is for self-righteous assholes who love to buy into that see no evil, hear no evil bullshit. You may think that's cold, but take it from me honey, running won't keep you alive. It's certainly not going to keep anyone else alive, in fact in my experience runners are the asshats who leave the most colateral damage. Runners are the ones who become the damn proxies, they're the ones who trail-blaze through cities and towns and forests and police stations and leave a wake of dead in their paths. Not that I'm much better, but hey at least I contribute to the damn cause. If you don't plan on lifting a finger to kill Mr. Tentacles, do the world a favor and just curl up and die. You won't get any sympathy from me. If that hurts your feelings, kindly go cry about it to someone who gives a shit. 

I am the bitch who's going to kill Slenderman. 

Predictably you are still nursing your injured ass, and are now pursing your lips and whining, "Oh sure! That's what they all say in the beginning."

Well first off, please go die in a ditch. Of course that's what they all say in the beginning, but I intend to follow through.

I've been at this for 15 years. Hunting proxies, burning down forests, collecting research and compiling a database. This is my life. From day one this is what I was destined to do, and by God I'm gonna fucking do it. I'm not giving up because it's hard, I'm not going to turn tail and run because I'm afraid to die, and I'm not going to sit here and whine about my life and how unfair it's been to me. Life is a bitch and you do what you have to do to get by, but screw anyone who thinks the Slenderman can't get his ass kicked into next week. I'm here to tell you that he most definitely can. He's not God, and he's not the devil. He was born of something and he'll die of something. 

I've probably gone and pissed on a bunch of people with that intro, but whatever I'm not here because I wanted to be Miss America.

I've got business to attend to. If you feel like learning something new about hunting tentacle monsters with a taste for Ralph Lauren, by all means stick around. If you bratty little interwebbers can pull your heads out of your prose stuffed asses, you might get lucky. 


Annalee Cardinal.


  1. I like your attitude, your a fighter, we haven't had those in a while.

    "He was born of something and he'll die of something." - nailed it perfectly.

    Hope to see more of you and hear more of your experience with IT.

    Thought I might disagree with you on the whole runner thing, but people have different views.

    Another thing that makes me wonder, is why you start up a blog only now after 15 years?

    But overall, glad to see someone determined enough to kill IT.

    - Mr. Incognito.

    1. I'm not much of a computer person. I'd heard there was a big boom going on online, (fucking video game in fact, son of a bitch,) but there's not a lot of interwebber connectors or whatever the hell they're called out here in the middle of the desert. I never really saw the need. However, somebody blowtorched one of my storerooms the other night. Burned some important shit. So I hired this little stooge who's good at this kinda junk and voila. No more re-writing notes. It's a modern fuckin miracle.

    2. It's not nice to talk about people behind their back.

    3. Also hey, Mr Incognito.

      I'm the so-called computer stooge, it's nice to meet you.

    4. Good to meet you too Daniel.

      The word "hired" begs me to ask a question. "Hired" as in get called up from a completely different country and get paid for making this blog?

      Or "Hired" as in we are stuck together, your the computer stooge (No offense) so go make a blog?

      Other than that, good to have both of you on board, or rather, on the board.

      - Mr. Incognito.

    5. *begs the question

      We're just stuck together, man. I don't get paid or anything and no, she found me on the side of the metaphorical road. It's a long story and not one I'm writing up for anyone as 'incognito' as you.

      Guess it is, yeah, but don't expect me to hold on for long before pulling a Leo DiCaprio and vanishing into the depths, yeah?

      - Daniel, writing his name in this ridiculous signature fashion (Dude, why do you even do that? Your name is next to your freaking avatar anyway. It's pretty COGNITO of you.)

    6. Who the hell is Leo DiCaprio?

    7. I've read books on Titanic and I don't remember anything about that guy. Is that some kind of saying? You know how much I freaking hate your dumbass references.

  2. The Slenderman will end where he began.

    1. Shit, then we're screwed. We can't even find a beginning for the fucker.

    2. I mean, that's poetic, sure, but by all accounts, physically impossible if we assume Slenderman to be a linear being, perhaps merely existing across a perpendicular and different plane. Get me?

    3. I actually think that might be us you're talking about sometimes. That perpendicular plane. Maybe that's where we are right now. Some sort of screwed up square inbetween. The crossroads where we still live in the every day world but are constantly exposed to some weird other. Maybe that's what it does to the brain. Connect crazy people into some weird hivemind. I've been thinking that, but it still seems a bit farfetched. I should do some tests.

    4. Where (or should I say, WHEN) can the earliest account of this abomination found? Start there and try to work your way backwards. If you find out how he was created, you'll probably find out his weakness.

      It's like Lex Luthor and Superman. When Luthor found out that Superman was an alien, he discovered kryptonite. You just need to find Slendy's kryptonite. (Easier said then done, I know.)

    5. Anna, I meant a different plane TO us.

      Gabriella, that's sort of our job here, all summed up :)

    6. I know what you said, and I disagreed with you. It's hard to find an early account becomes again, you can't take everything at face value. The earliest for sure Slender sighting I have is somewhere in the mid 1800's. There are lots of stuff though that sounds like Slenderman before then, but there's no way to guarantee it was the genuine article.