Sunday, March 31, 2013

Survival Advice

Tips on how not to get gutted by the Slender Man.

I've seen some other blogs on this topic, though a lot of them have some pretty crappy info, (get up high my ass.) I thought I'd compile my experiences, as well as the trials and errors of others into a helpful guide.

1. Don't think about it. 

Spend as little time as you can thinking about the Slenderman. If you lie down in bed and spend time imagining all the horrible ways he could kill you, you will not last long. Get up! Move! Do busy work! Take up knitting! Don't concentrate on him, don't concentrate on his victims, just keep doing what you have to do to stay alive. And if you're like me and your job is all about thinking about him, then normalize him. Turn him to something as natural as filing your taxes. Helps control the fear.

2. Stay in areas where you feel comfortable. 

You really don't need to run from this thing. The death rates are about the same either way. I think some runners just feel better to know they're running. If you stay in one place though where you feel all but untouchable, it'll make it a hell of a lot harder for him to get to you. That's why I chose the desert. It's warm, no tree's, plenty of sunlight and you can see everything for miles in every direction. The truth of the matter is your just as in much trouble wherever you are, but it's the believing your safe that will help you. The only exception I can think of is forests. Just stay out of the forests, (come on kids, that's a no brainer. And you really should avoid crowded areas even if they do feel a lot safer than anything else. It's easy to infect people.

3. Keep some music on you at all times.

Specifically a radio works great. Electronic devices tend to wig out whenever anything Slenderman appears. I still don't know exactly why that is, but it works as a great alarm system. Keep it on you as much as you can.

4. Don't get attached. 

When you're three seconds away from death on a constant basis, it is not the time to find yourself a significant other. I know it must suck to die a virgin, but believe me when I say it'll work out better in the long run. Keeping yourself alive is one thing, but keeping two people alive? That's not easy work. The more best friends for life you make, and the more people you make out with, and the more people you take in, the more it's going to hurt when they bite the bullet. And you can lie to yourself and pretend you don't care about the people who are dying around you, but everybody cares in some way. And getting close to people makes it that much harder to detach from them, and it screws with your judgement too. Don't get close to people. I know that seems like a cold choice, but there comes a time when you have to decide if you'd rather be immoral and alive, or a martyr.

5. Learn how to fight. 

This should be a no brainer. As strong as most proxies are their technique is absolute crap. Pick up a do it yourself boxing book or something, invest in some illegal firearms, put some nails in a baseball bat. It won't be any good on Tall and Slender, but it'll certainly be something. Of course when you train up you do run the risk of becoming a pretty nasty proxy should you turn. Guess that's motivation to keep your mental health up.

6. Find a good smell.

Remember how I said a lot of the stalked have trouble breathing. If you keep a good smell on you, (dried up flowers, some peppermint, cinnamon, eccetera,) it'll be a live saver when you're doubled over wheezing.  Your body likes to inhale things that smell good, so it'll help your breathing a lot, as well as sending some positive messages to your brain that will calm you down.

7. Never be unprepared. 

You know what isn't fun? Hitchhiking. I know you might think it could be fun, but trust me, it isn't. You know what else isn't fun? Sleeping in a gutter because you're too broke for a motel. You know what else really isn't fun? Walking home when you're three states away. Keep your clothes lined with money, and always have everything you need on you at all times in case you ever black out and find yourself relocated. It'll make your life so much easier.

8. Learn how to play poker. 

If you are ever short on cash and have no way to earn any, gambling is the best way to go. Credit card fraud works well too, but then you have police chasing you, and coupons will only get you so far. Get good at poker, or better yet, learn how to cheat.

9. Records on everything.

Preferably in a pocket notebook. Keep track of what you did everyday, and always record a sighting with him. You should also have a watch. If you black out, you'll know how much time you lost, and you'll be able to figure out just what exactly happened to you before you blacked out. It's a good way to keep everything straight. (As of right now I'm missing one year and three months of my life.)

10. Keep your mind in a state of peace.

You have to be calm at all times. You can't lose it, because I promise you It'll take advantage of it. You have to be constantly at ease and coolheaded. No panicking, no losing your temper, no falling into states of depression. It's the best way to turn into a proxy, and that is a fate worse than death. So no matter what happens, or how bad things get, you keep it together. Otherwise things will only get worse.

I'll post some more when I can think of some. I've been up all night with this proxy, and I only just now finished the autopsy and it's time for a nap.

Happy Easter.


  1. I agree with most of those, especially the ones concerning preparation, combat and especially the poker one. To be more precise the "cheating" part, because it technically applies to the whole situation in general, cheat to live.

    For example, if you are confronted in a fight, don't drag it out, if you have a firearm, aim for the cranium. If you don't have a firearm go for the obvious weak spots (like kicking someone in the balls).

    Never play the 50/50 odds, thats a shitty hand to play, cheat your way around it.

    - Mr. Incognito.

    1. Cheat? Well, I suppose if the other side is cheating, it's only fair that we can as well...

      "All is fair in love and war."

    2. I honestly don't get why anyone WOULDN'T. Sound advice, pal, spread it around.

  2. Thank you. Although I'm not sure how much this will help, considering I'm going to waltz right into the middle of a HUGE forest.

    But it's the thought that counts.

    1. Having a weapon and some fighting skills will help you a lot if you're about to do something dumb like that. Get some hairspray and a lighter. Makeshift flame throwers are the best.

    2. And then you get arrested because you just burned the forest down.

      I had a really stupid idea. I was going to recreate the notes from Slender: The Eight Pages, and post them all over the forest.

      Luckily for me, my common sense kicked in.

      However, I am going to bring my iPod. Hopefully that will serve as an early warning system.

    3. Yeah, that does seem pretty stupid.

      Screw the environment though, burn down all the goddamn forests you want. The nice thing is forest fires are pretty common, and it's a crime that leaves no evidence. The police won't catch you.

      Another thing to remember is some chocolate. Yeah I know, Harry Wizard-Pants or whatever, but trust me. It works.

    4. Thank God I got a lot of chocolate in my Easter Basket. (Childish, I know, but I can't bear to tell them that I'm too old for things like that.)

      Hey, if I run into any Dementors, I'll be all set!

  3. Sound advice.

    Since our goals align, i.e. the erasure of Slenderman, working together might have more results than working alone. I don't have much to offer now, since I'm halfway through completion, but you seem to have access to black blood and I have access to a spectrometer and PCR machine. If you're interested.

    1. You wanna trade notes? Well, alright. If you're ever in the neighborhood and you bring your fancy machinery, that'd be fine by me.

    2. I'll be taking a look through those if we meet up, so don't try anything tricky. I know what I'm doing.

    3. Being in the neighbourhood would be difficult as I assume you're in America and I am half a world away. The equipment doesn't belong to me, and even if did pull off a daring heist and somehow got it on a plane there's no guarantee it'd work when it got there. It'd be beyond my expertise to fix if damaged.

      I was going to suggest you mail me a sample and I mail you the results. But I can understand if you wouldn't trust them were this to be the case.

    4. That's different, then. But you'll understand why I was suspicious.

    5. It is kind of hard to take everything at face value, but you seem sane enough to bring out some interesting results, and if you send me the procedure I can recreate it over here as well. Sending you a blood sample shouldn't be a problem. I'd just need to get my hands on a proper containment case that I can ship to you. I guess we could rob a laboratory or something. Hey Danny? Want to try breaking into Area 51? I'm pretty sure we could pull it off.

    6. Are you shitting me? No fucking WAY.

  4. So. This is the new community, eh? Paranoia and aggression and arson. Well, that's a little harsh. Seeing what happened to us a couple years back, maybe our way wasn't the ultimate in keeping ourselves alive...

    Ah, right. I'm Konaa. I saw you followed me, so I checked this out. It's good advice. Even if I disagree about lethal force, that's just a personal thing. You have a lot of guts to keep this up for 15 years, that's all I'll say. Two's almost done me in countless times.

    It's a race, then! Who kills him first? Oh, man, a friendly competition sounds great.

    1. I'm still sane. I think...

      And I'm on the West Coast. So, no well-dressed eldritch abomination over here...yet.

    2. Eh well, it's kill or be killed out there. I tried the letting proxies live route and it didn't work out well, in that they always kept coming back no matter what I did. Plus the autopsies have really been a help in working out a cure.

      And don't worry, after about the fifth year it really stops phasing you.