#2 - Report

[06:15, 9/4/13]

Say something to our legions of adoring fans, Anna.

Go fuck yourself.

That's... okay, fine. She likes saying that today.

With your fucking lead up line there I doubt there was much else I could've said.

Thanks a bunch.

Well it's your show Danny boy, what do you want to talk about?

It might be my show, but the plot and the cast are yours heck, just... do we have to do this every single time? Whatever you think is relevant or whatever you want people to know, just talk about that!

You just don't know what to say because you didn't do anything today.

That's why I'm asking you to talk, genius.

Well here I am talking. Do you here this? Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth?

Is this some kind of twisted revenge thing? Is that what this is?

I'm in a bad mood alright?

Gee, no shit.

Shut up.

So what, you're in too bad a mood to talk about the last few days?

My job is reporting scientific fines for science in shit, not writing a diary.

This isn't a diary. It's a blog.

Same difference.

Actually, not true.

Fuck you.

Right back at you. We're signing off now until someone's feeling a little better about the world.

Nope.

No?

You started this shit, you made me walk all the way over here. We're doing this.

All the way over here being across the goddamn room okay. Okay. Talk then. Go.

[pause] Spent today fixing up the car we brought. It was a cheap piece of shit so hopefully it's not going to fall apart as soon as we start it up.

And you still need to wash out that stain. It's weird and gross.

You can do that if it's so damn important. Though I can tell you now it's not going to come out.

You'd do it if it was on your side of the truck.

Kid, three days ago I was up to my elbows in the body fluids of a dead person. The stain could be a beloved brother.

You'd definitely do it if it was on your side of the truck.

Is this really what it all comes down to? It's just some shitty stain.

It's also weird and gross and kinda creepy, okay? Someone could have died and bled all over it, or it could be animal shit or... or something.

My guess is some asshole took a laxative.

Oh my god. Yuck. No.

Do you even understand the fucking definition of stain? What do you want me to do, re-upholster your seat with my pants?

Let's just forget about it, okay?

I'm more than happy to. I'm not losing any sleep over that thing. I have more important shit to lose sleep over.

Anyway you were talking about things.

Yeah, so before Dan started being a shit stain about a shit stain, ha you see what I did there?

I'm gonna start calling you Luigi.

The fuck is a Luigi?

An Italian guy.

[pause] I'm Honduran you racist.

Wh - oh my fuck, no, wait... ugh. That is not what I meant!

Yeah so I fixed the car, and then I killed a couple of rattlesnakes, and then I made lunch, remember?

I meant the mustache.

You got something against women with facial hair?

No, no I do do not, as a matter of fact, I can prove it! Next time you pass out on me it'll be a goat ee and side burns too.

And I'll cut your thumbs off.

And then you'll have to do all the computer stuff by yourself, except you can't.

At least I won't be racist and thumb less. [long pause] Stop it. [long pause] I'll smack you.

Whatever.

Stop pouting.

Whatever. 

Oh man. Okay. I made lunch and I worked on the archives and I was relaxing when Danny called me over to do this. That was my day. What did you do today Danny?

Fixed the program and made some other things and I'm never going to get you to stop calling me Danny, am I.

You don't look like a Daniel. Your puppy eyes are too big.

[pause, sigh] I hate you.

No you don't.

I strongly dislike you. Sometimes.

Likewise. [audio confusion]

Are we done no. Put that down while you're near my stuff.

I'm not gonna spill it neat freak.

Actually yeah, I don't doubt that for a second.

Then there shouldn't be any problem.

Sure. Just be careful.

Alright... [audio confusion]

So that's pretty much all, isn't it? 

I could go into detail about how I cooked the rattlesnakes.

We're done here. Signing off.