Monday, April 22, 2013

Makeshift Weapons and Fighting Technique

Just something I thought of the other night. One of the things you learn to do growing up is to get creative with your weaponry and fighting. I'm lucky because I'm about 4'11 and weigh barely a hundred pounds so I have the element of surprise on my hand. Sucks for all you body builders out there. (As Danny would say, "heavy sarcasm.")

Seriously though, not everyone is suited to finding weapons or being able to fight with years of practiced technique. In fact the majority of people have no experience in those areas, and even if you do sometimes they won't always come in handy. You may black out and wake up tied up in someone's basement and in times like that it's easy to lose your cool.

But just remember, never panic, and never be caught off guard.

As someone who is a tad on the tinier size, it's easy to find yourself in a situation where you have the bottom hand. Still though that doesn't mean you can't cheat. Here's a quick list of scenarios.

Pinned to the ground? Easy. First of all, don't get pinned. If someone's trying to pin you, they're probably coming at you from the front or back. Bend your legs and turn into the blow and hit them right in the center of their balance. Knock them over and then bring your foot down on their neck. Easy kill. If you screw up and get pinned anyway, there are still a couple of things you can do. If they have you on your stomach with your hands behind your back, get a feel for where they're holding your hands and pull towards their thumbs, if you do it fast enough your hand will slip out of their grip. Bring them to the ground and push off to the side as opposed to straight up, you'll knock them off of you and you may get a good kick to the face while you are at it. If they have you on your back, get your hands free the same way, make a v with two of your fingers and get the fucker in the eyes. If they happen to have a knife at your neck, may I redirect you to my first bit about DON'T GET PINNED.

Tied up in a chair? Well hopefully you kept something sharp on you in a place you can get to it, like a key necklace or a bracelet with a razor. If you failed to do that, relax and concentrate on breathing. If you expand your chest enough you can loosen the ropes and slip out. Same goes for your hands. Pull on the ropes until they loosen up enough for you to get free. 

Got a bastard choking you from behind? Bend your knees, lean forward, and flip the guy over. You have to do it fast though or you'll get caught under them. Once you've got him on his back, bring your foot down on his neck.

Got a bastard choking you from the front? Fall on your back, and bring your legs up in-between you and kick at the abdomen. If it's a guy, get him in the balls. Bring your hands behind you so you can pop right up again.

In a headlock? Push the guy away from the side, or kick his feet out from under him. Whatever works.

Got a guy with a gun aimed at your head? Bring your hand up behind you in his blindspot and bat the gun away in one swift and quick move before they guy realizes what you've done, as soon as the gun isn't pointed at you bring your other hand over and shove the guy onto their back. 

Vital areas to go for are the nose, the temples, the philtrum, the testicles, the neck, the adam's apple, the base of the spine, the heart, the back of the skull, the abdomen, the ankles, the eyes, and the waist. 

To knock someone off balance aim for their center (right under their ribcage but above their crotch, if you kick them in the ass from behind they'll fall over too,) or their ankles.

To snap someone's neck from the back, place one hand over their mouth, the other on the back of their head and jerk abruptly to the side. 

To snap someone's neck from the front, place both hands on the side of their head. Your thumbs should be gripping them from behind the ears. Wrench their head towards your dominant hand, and pull up. 

Bring the palm of your hand up under someone's nose and you can shove it back into their brain. 

Also if you punch someone hard enough in the ribs on the left side there's a very good chance you can send a bone into their heart.

Gouging out the eyes with your fingers or another sharp object is good too. You can't be squeamish ladies and gentlemen.

Here's a list of some easy to find and inconspicuous weapons to keep on hand.

-Kitchen Knives
-Car Keys
-Barbecue Fork
-Hairspray (Works extra nice if you have a lighter.)
-Pen or a Pencil (Shove it in the ear or the eyes)

I'm wary of using things like shovels or baseball bats because they leave an opening that's very easy to push through. Just keep them close to your body, and hold them over your head when you swing as opposed to swinging them back. 

Practice throwing items like the hammer or the knives. I happen to have a dart board I practice on. Practice until you can get the target 20/20 times. I also suggest researching some more of this stuff on the internet and trying it out for yourself. Practice makes perfect.

The best thing is to just always be prepared. The less prepared you are the easier it is to find yourself in a bad situation. So keep calm, remember your technique, and give em hell. 


  1. Thanks; I'm bookmarking this! I've been looking up how to disarm someone with a gun; cautious that I might need it soon.

    I'm just under 5"8 but underweight, so I don't know whether I would surprise attackers or not.

    1. Usually proxies are very surprised to find that one of their victims can actually throw a punch. You'll be fine.

  2. Great post! More people should give out advice like this. Actually no.. Proxies can read this shit too.. x.x

    Still a great post though.

    1. Eh, these are just some basics. It's your job to perfect these amazing secrets so the proxies don't have the drop on you.

  3. Oh you're still alive? The kid didn't go bat shit crazy yet?

    Oh well, it doesn't happen instantly, so I can't really complain.

    But baseball BATS are the most FUN! With the right angle and strength, you can pop somebodies head CLEAN FUCKING OFF! Oh so marvelous!

    1. It's time for a learning moment ladies and gentlemen. If you ever find yourself about to be hit over the head with a baseball bat, don't worry. When the attacker rears back to swing, there's a moment where his midsection is open. In that moment rush him, and knock him over. Then stomp on his throat.

    2. But that is only if you have enough strength to actually knock the person down, otherwise you will end up bouncing back onto the ground and in return getting your neck stomped, or you're head bashed in with a baseball bat.

    3. That's not how knocking people over works. You could have toothpick arms, and if you hit in the center of the balance, they'll go down just like anyone else. Truthfully you may go down with him, but you'll be on top so that gives you plenty of time to finish the job.

    4. Which reminds me. Toothpicks are another really nice inconspicuous weapon.

    5. What if they have a rounders bat or a cricket bat?

      Or a lump hammer?

    6. Like I said, just concentrate on keeping it close to your body when you swing. If you real back to much and expose your area of balance, it's very easy to get knocked over before the blow connects.

    7. No, I'm pretty sure the guy could move his leg back to give him balance and prevent him from falling down. You concentrate on the body, but there are things that are keeping the body centered and those are the legs.

    8. Tell you what, next time you're in town, drop by and we'll see who's right.

    9. Sure, give me a call, we'll do lunch,

    10. Damn. I wish I was as knowledgable as you two so I could contribute.

      I will say Kelevra, that your organs of balance are in your ears, not your legs. If your legs keep your body centered, then lift one of them in the air as high as you can. You'll instinctively move your arms to match; it is your whole body that orchestrates your centre of mass.

    11. Um, you just contradicted yourself, lift the leg, you fall down. And that's what I've been saying, legs hold you're body up, remove one of them, you fall.

    12. No daddyo, I'm saying if you're swinging a goddamn bat hard enough to five-iron someone's head off, you need to brace your feet accordingly or you're gonna go arse over tit. Hence what Annalee said, leaving them vulnerable.

    13. You'd be surprised how easy it is to pop someones head off. Mrs. Bitch said that you don't go for the legs, you go for the body, I would presume that is the area somewhere between the ribs and kidneys, but the assailant can be quick enough, which is no exception at all. And move one of his legs back so the victim wouldn't be able to push him down, only give the assailant a big ass hug.

      Then the assailant could simply swing the bat down on the victim and there you go.

      Now if it were a swing of the bat and a miss, then that strategy would have worked, but we are talking about the pre-swing situation here, which means the assailant is only preparing for a swing.

    14. That's another great thing about sticking sharp shit in someone's ear. Take out their inner ear. That makes them all but useless in a fight.

      Seriously though, if you through someone off kilter you'll do it by ramming right into their stomach. It works more than swinging at the feet because as balancers, your legs are going to be useless in keeping you up if they don't have anything to support.

    15. Also it's pretty hard to hit someone with a bat if they're giving you a big ass hug.

    16. Hey, why not go for the solar plexus?

    17. Oh it is really easy to hit someone with a bat while they are hugging you. While they are hugging you, your arms are in the air holding the bat, which means they are above the victim's (Which is hugging you right now) head, all you have to do is spin the bat in a vertical position and slam it down their skull.

      Like making candy from a baby.

    18. Well I believe I've been telling everybody to aim for that spot. RIght above the crotch but under the bellybutton. Let em have it.

    19. No honey, no. If my arms are around you, my head is right under your chin.

    20. Oh so we go with the theory of you being almost as tall as me, alright. I still spin the bat, but this time, I go for your spine, you know sorta like a spear attack.

    21. Hmm, I agree with Annalee. If they're right up against you, you have to use your elbows and wrists as opposed to your upper body, plus you lose the gravity and turning force needed to strike hard with the bat. The reason you stretch your arms out in the first place when swinging a bat is to increase the distance between the force and the pivot, so essentially can be expressed as:

      force x distance = moment

      You decrease the distance between the pivot by striking with your elbow, making for a weaker blow.

    22. Sanna gets a gold star! and excels to the top of the class. Meanwhile I'm presenting you Kelevra with a big ol' dish of "PISS OFF." I don't have the patience on this blog to keep going back and forth with you. Go take your baseball bat and see how far you can stick it up your ass.

    23. Then why'd you start giving advice, if you don't plan on explaining the flaws people find in them? You are an awful teacher.

      I bet if I stick it up your ass, it will go far with a lot of ease.

      Wink wink.

    24. Wow, you really are a dumbass. I mean wow, is anyone else seeing this? Yeah, get off the blog honey. The big kids are talking. You can show off your super scary slender powers some other time.

  4. Good advice, though I'm wary of teaching people how to kill. Killing shouldn't be something done lightly.